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              回想青春

              时间:2019-08-17来源:网友提供 作者:陈村 点击:
              回想青春
               
               
              年届六十来谈论青春是一件很好笑的事情,先是好笑,然后又悲哀起来。头发大张旗鼓地花白了,牙齿神不知鬼不觉地松动了,肚子一五一十地腆出来了。那皱纹在脸上张牙舞爪的,无论什么霜什么蜜都没了能耐。我只能以一个曾经青春者的身份来谈谈青春。
               
              在我年轻的时候,“青春”似乎是一个下流的字眼儿。即便偶尔提到,也是为了将它贡献出去。所以,在我的印象中,青春是一种早晚要端出去献了的东西,就像是他人寄放在我这儿的一样。
               
              不过,我确实年轻过。我曾年轻到口出狂言,年轻到想入非非,年轻到将生命一掷为快。尽管我一无所有,然而有了青春,生命就蓬蓬勃勃了。过了这一站,那份自负和慷慨,全部收敛了。不仅自己收敛,如今我还常常把经验告诉年轻人,比如生活的艺术,比如处世的哲学,比如心理的锻炼。指导他人的青春是一件很有诱惑力的工作,上点年纪的人多半乐此不疲。我也未能免俗,为此说了许多话,写了许多文字,谆谆告诫他们,真诚祝福他们。
               
              直到有一天,我突然没来由地想起了乌鸦,那种黑色的鸟总是多嘴。我站在人生的树上,常把目光投向后果,而年轻人常常追求瞬间。我告诉活在瞬间中的人,永恒是不存在的,所以瞬间也是无意义的。我所找寻的结果无疑是消灭了永恒也消灭了瞬间的。想到这些,我告诫自己再不要多嘴多舌了。
               
              我想起在自己年轻的时候,也曾听到过许多忠告。心绪不佳时,往往还要将这些话反击回去。是啊,不听老人言,吃亏在眼前,此后多半吃了亏。但是,在吃亏之前,我获得了许多快乐。
               
              在一个深秋的黄昏,小雨,我走向一个姑娘的家,去开始一场一开场就是结束的初恋。当时我热情沸腾茶饭不思,却连一声“不”都没有听见。这种经历当然不会获得很高的评价,但毕竟开始了才有以后,才有今天和明天的感情。
               
              秋天更深的时候,我坐上西行的列车,去当一个新时代的小农民。后来,也是秋天,我也是坐的火车,回到了城市。我把土地和草屋还给了老乡,把健康和一些信念留在了那里。来者已不是去者,我第一次感到自己是活过了。那一年我十九岁,我的青春想必就是在这时结束的。
               
              我不知自己的青春从哪天开始,也不知它流落何方。和大多数年轻人一样,我的青春很短、很卑微,这和我设想的青春是一致的。这样,我可以在回想时微笑,觉得可亲。
               
              青春是一腔无人可诉的心事,青春是一本不让人翻阅的本子,青春是不计功利的努力,青春是无法被证实的自负,青春是莫名的开心与莫名的哀愁,青春是留给后来的一坛陈酒,青春使人变得比婴儿更幼稚,比老人更忧伤。
               
              有段时间,我常去大学,去有年轻人的地方。我没有任何功利的目的,只是想看到年轻的人们。他们常常将我吸引,他们没有财富,没有地位,但他们拥有年轻和健康。我试图和他们对话,但说不上几句就明白,自己不说也罢。我们不能相互理解,甚至没有理解的欲望,最多只能相互尊重。当年,我也曾尊重过那些年长的人。我自以为还有力气谢绝尊重。有一次,在复旦大学,我和几个同伴与大学生们争执起来,为了一个没名堂的题目。我想,这可好了,现在我们平等了,可以让那些“老师”见鬼去了,争一争心里很舒服。他们也解放了,可以肆无忌惮,可以畅所欲言,可以自高自大。这真是难得的好时光。
               
              可是,并不是什么人都想和我辈争一争的。我们相互看见了,相互微笑,然而无言,我们的中间隔着岁月和经历。我们缺少共同的话题,还缺少一致的兴趣。这样的两代人携手并肩是很辛苦的,不如相望相闻。我想我应该调整自己,应该有一种树的感觉。树的基调是年轮,当然,年轮也没什么了不起,不必常常去数。何况,树的年轮只有在树被放倒后才能数清。
               
              我想,有一天,我被放倒了,要是还有人愿意来数一数我的年轮,数到中间怕是没什么可数的。还有一句老话叫“树怕伤心”,那包藏在层层叠叠的枯枝败叶和老皮之中的树的青春被岁月锈蚀,树也就没有了。
               
              青春就是这样一种东西。  
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