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              雨楓軒

              孤獨溫暖的旅程

              時間:2019-08-26來源:網友提供 作者:鐵凝 點擊:
              孤獨溫暖的旅程
               
                有一個冬天,在京西賓館開會,好像是吃過飯出了餐廳,一位個子不高、身著灰色棉衣的老人向我們走來。旁邊有人告訴我,這便是汪曾祺老。當時我沒有迎上去打招呼的想法。越是自己敬佩的作家,似乎就越不愿意突兀地認識。但這位灰衣老人卻招呼了我。他走到我的跟前,笑著,慢悠悠地說:“鐵凝,你的腦門上怎么一點兒頭發也不留呀?”他打量著我的腦門,仿佛我是他認識已久的一個孩子。這樣的問話令我感到剛才我那顧忌的多余。我還發現汪曾祺的目光溫和而又剔透,正如同他對于人類和生活的一些看法。
                
                不久之后,我有機會去了一趟位于壩上草原的河北省沽源縣。去那里本是參加當地的一個文學活動,但是使我對沽源產生興趣的卻是汪曾祺的一段經歷。他曾經被下放到這個縣勞動過,在一個馬鈴薯研究站。他在這個研究馬鈴薯的機構,除卻日復一日的勞動,還施展著另一種不為人知的天才:描繪各式各樣的馬鈴薯圖譜——畫土豆。汪曾祺從未在文字里對那兒的生活有過大聲疾呼的控訴,他只是自嘲地描寫過,他如何從對于圓頭圓腦的馬鈴薯無從下筆,到后來竟然達到一種“想畫不像都不行”的熟練程度。他描繪著它們,又吃著它們,他還在文字中自豪地告訴我們,全中國像他那樣吃過這么多品種的馬鈴薯的人,怕是不多見呢。我去沽源縣是在夏天,走在雖然涼快但略顯光禿的縣城街道上,我想象著當冬日來臨,塞外蠻橫的風雪是如何在這里肆虐,而汪曾祺又是怎樣挨過他的時光。我甚至向當地文學青年打聽了有沒有一個叫馬鈴薯研究站的地方,他們茫然地搖著頭。馬鈴薯和文學有著多么遙遠的距離呀。我卻仍然體味著:一個連馬鈴薯都不忍心敷衍的作家,對生活該多有耐心和愛。
                
                1989年春天,我的小說《玫瑰門》討論會在京召開,汪曾祺是被邀請的老作家之一。會上諶容告訴我,上午8點半開會,汪曾祺6點鐘就起床收拾整齊,等待作協的車來接了。在這個會上他對《玫瑰門》談了許多真誠而細致的意見,沒有應付,也不是無端地說好。在這里,我不能用感激兩個字來回報這些意見,我只是不斷地想起一位著名藝術家的一本回憶錄。這位藝術家在回憶錄里寫到當老之將至,他害怕變成兩種老人,一種是儼然以師長面目出現,動不動就以教訓青年為樂事的老人;另一種是唯恐被旁人稱“老”,便沒有名堂地奉迎青年,以證實自己青春常在的老人。汪曾祺不是上述兩種老人,也不是其他什么人,他就是他自己,一個從容地“東張西望”著,走在自己的路上的可愛老頭。這個老頭,安然迎送著每一段或寂寥、或熱鬧的時光,用自己誠實而溫暖的文字,用那些平凡而充滿靈性的故事,撫慰著常常焦躁不安的世界。
                
                我常想,汪曾祺在沽源創造出的“熱鬧”日子,是為了排遣孤獨,還是一種難以排遣的孤獨感使他覺得世界更需要人去撫慰呢?前不久讀到他為一個年輕人的小說集所作的序,序中他借著評價那個年輕人的小說,道出了一句“人是孤兒”。
                
                我相信他是多么不樂意人是孤兒啊。他在另一篇散文中記述了他在沽源的另一件事:有一天他采到一朵大蘑菇,他把它帶回宿舍,精心晾干(可能他還有一種獨到的晾制方法)收藏起來。待到年節回京與家人短暫團聚時,他將這朵蘑菇背回了北京,并親手為家人烹制了一鍋鮮美無比的湯,那湯給全家帶來了意外的歡樂。
                
                于是我又常想,一位囊中背著一朵蘑菇的老人,收藏起一切孤獨,從塞外凜冽的寒風中快樂地朝自己的家走著,難道僅僅是為了叫家人盛贊他的蘑菇湯?
                
                這使我始終相信,這世界上一些孤獨而優秀的靈魂之所以孤獨,是因為他們將溫馨與歡樂不求回報地贈予了世人,用文學,或者用蘑菇。
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